Psychiatrist appointment.

I just got home from the Psychiatrists office. She has officially decided that I'm not just sick in the head. My bilateral foot drop isn't psychosamatic. But she has decided that even though my physical symptoms aren't a result of my mental state, she still thinks I need to see her again. I told her I don't need councelling and she said "I knew you were going to say that" and booked the appointment anyway for a month from today. I'm supposed to consider the idea for a whole month before deciding yes or no and she said I'm not allowed to cancel it until a few days before the appointment so that I can't just cancel it today and forget about it.

I understand that I'm somewhat damaged and yes, I can accept that maybe it's worse than I let on but I don't want to experience it all over again. She had me name a few times that I had gotten angry and I brought up a time in grade 7 when a friend punched me in the eye and I punched him back and then a few times when I was younger. It was all I could really think of. She said that any other person could have named several in the last few months and I couldn't even do that. She asked what I did when my best friend cut me out of her life and I finally got to talk to her a month after that (which ended very badly where she hated me worse and I blocked and deleted her from my MSN) and I told her that after words I logged off MSN and read a book I got from the library on parasites. She said its easier for me to cut things and people out of my life than it is for me to get angry at them. At first she thought I couldn't feel any emotions but at the end she said she was wrong. I feel happy and anxious and all that good stuff but I've intellectualized all the negative feelings to the point where I've devalued everything that happened in my past. I told her that lots of people have had worse upbringings and she said "No, some people have had worse but yours is worse than a lot of peoples and you try to take it the best." She said lots of people are emotionally damaged from 1 event in their childhood and I have 12 years of physical abuse that I've pushed down so far I can barely remember most of my child hood.

I don't really know why I'm writing all this down. There was a lot more but I'm not good at saying all this stuff. I don't know. If this post ends up getting deleted, you'll all know why.