Dammit.

It is now friday morning at 12:24am. Early, I know, but I couldn't let myself fall asleep yesterday (thursday). You see, Thursday June 15th was supposed to be the day that I got better. My doctor told me 6 weeks ago that my dropped foot will be completely better within 6 weeks. At the time he thought I had a compressed nerve. We've long since ruled that out but since we don't know what is wrong with me, they are unable to give me a time line for when I can expect to be better.

I've been real good with this paralysis thing. I haven't demanded to be taken care of. I haven't cried myself to sleep and I haven't changed my life in any dramatic way since it began. "I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." But it's been 7 weeks since my first foot drop and it's getting hard to stay optimistic about it. They were hoping it was a viral infection that was attacking my motor nerves but the longer this lasts, the less likely it's an infection. I realize my life could be a lot harder. I could have lost the use of my entire legs. It still could happen of course but it hasn't yet so why pretend that it has? I feel bad for feeling bad about myself but dammit, I don't want this. I want to walk without people staring at me. I want to go back to work and I want to go to sleep knowing that I'll be able to climb out of bed the next morning.

But above all else. I just want someone to tell me that I'll get better. I don't care if they don't know when. I just want someone that knows to tell me that one day I'll lift my feet when I walk and be able to lift as much as I could two months ago. I just want to know it's not permanent.