No more denial. (Sorry for length)

I must be a very stupid person. I usually consider myself quite intelligent. Before grade 11 I actually took a lot of pride in being stupid. I proudly wore a badge of ignorance. But since then I've discovered the world and I can't seem to get enough. Then why do I keep seeing things in people that aren't there?

I have two friends that I confide in. Or rather, I have two friends that confide in me and think they are doing their part to help me with my problems. On both cases I'll get calls or have MSN conversations started up where they talk about their problems for an hour and I try to help. Then when it comes to my problem, they both say something like "my mom is calling" or "I should get to my homework" or some other excuse that essentially ends the conversation before I'm even done explaining the problem.

I won't say that I never minded. But it wasn't that big a problem for me. I got used to keeping my issues inside and on some occasions I'd write a blog about it. Most times it would be deleted later that day (as this one might) but it still gives me peice.

But this time is different. Usually their problems are with boys that they like. "Oh, this guy doesn't like me but I like him" or "this guy really likes me but I don't like him and I don't know what to do about it." And both of my friends have actually become mad at me and stopped talking to me on an occasion that I didn't help them with their crushes. "You're supposed to help me." was the usual response.

I never had problems like that. I had problems where my best friend tries to kill himself because of something I did. Or having a friend hospitalized with frostbite because I broke a promise. Maybe my 'big boy' problems are too much for them.

But here I am, going paralyzed and scared and I have no one to talk with. My friends all laugh and joke and call me names like "gimpy" or "cripple". One of the people I go to has only seen me an hour and a half since I got sick and would only call when their wasn't something more important going on like dance lessons with new boyfriends or hockey games. The other friend actually told me today that she's been too busy packing for the last two months for camp to help me.

And these two people I saw the world in. Both of them hurt me on a regular bases but I never let them go. What the hell is wrong with me? And the weird thing is, I don't want to see either of them right now. I don't hate them and one of them I still love more than anyone but I don't need someone to ask me how I am and think they are doing me a favor. They would stand infront of me, give me a hug, tell me everything will be all right and then "oh, got dance" or "oh, got coffee with someone else" and be gone within 20 minutes.

I don't know. They never helped me with my problems before. I'll make time to talk to them when I'm all better. I'd hate to be a bad person and expect help or something silly like that.